my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
