you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
