i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
