also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How naked do you want me to be?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
