my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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