I'm passing your future prison.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
