halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
