If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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