I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
