i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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