Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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