Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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