The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
