so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
