we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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