you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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