Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
