She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
