I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
