two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
