WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
