Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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