...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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