I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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