I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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