I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
