the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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