It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
