She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
