If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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