I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
