Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
