she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
