I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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