I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
