Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
