Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
