Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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