If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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