Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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