Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
