You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Pants are for mortals
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
