eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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