we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
