I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
