I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
