im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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