i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
