In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize