i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
