if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
