sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
