my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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