Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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