Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
