he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
try to milk me bitch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
