Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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