So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I look better un-naked...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
