Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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