The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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