moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
