You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
