Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she peed on how many people?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
