Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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