Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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