the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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