well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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